Mu humbling journey with dogs

Yesterday I went for my usual walk in the park just over the road from my flat.

The sun was out, and it felt good to feel the gentle morning sun on my skin. I felt like running so started out at a jog, and reminded myself, that I could just breath.

I’ve got a lot on my plate for the next few weeks: moving house, attending a healing festival, preparing for two different talks and finalising a healing course that I’ve just had accredited.

Life is good.

But it can also be challenging!

Up ahead I saw movement and realised there were a few dogs with a man coming towards me.

Just earlier I’d pondered if I could ask people with bigger dogs to pop their dog on the lead as I went past. “Perfect. I’ll see how it goes.” I think to myself.

“Would you mind putting your dogs on a lead, please?”

“Why!?” The voice replied.

“Because I get triggered by them and sometimes it upsets them too.” I respond, feeling ashamed and frustrated at myself that I still have a reaction when dogs come towards me.

“You wanna get over it, it’s all in your head. You’re making it worse.” He snapped.

They won’t come up to you anyway,” he continued, exactly as the bigger dog bounded towards me.

I start walking around them, and as I look back, I felt like yelling at this man, who was taking my request as a personal attack.

But I didn’t.

I cried. Defeated. So pissed off.

Yet, I know I’ve learn a lot from this experience, and every single experience with the dogs I encounter.

You see, I loved dogs growing up. I had no boundaries and happily would approach any dog for a stroke or cuddle. As a young child, I even rolled around on the floor with a Rottweiler, much my my momma’s horror.

When we moved to Wales, we had a teeny pup tri-coloured sheep dog called Losty (named by the family who birthed him as he ran way when he was tiny). I loved him and he was a gentle wise soul who, I’m told, is around me a lot in Spirit.

Losty, beloved by our family...

Yet, when traveling around Portugal, my partner at the time and I got serious threatened by a loose Estrella Dog. Think Alsatian colouring, yet the size of a St Bernand. His teeth bared, a growls a go-go, he snarled at us for what seemed like a lifetime.

As we backed away slowly, my partner whittled a spear with his pocket knife, in case we needed to protect ourselves,and then as suddenly as he was there, the dog was gone.

We breathed a sigh of relief, and when we’d found our breath, made out way back to our van.

On the way, the dog must have circled back before us, as he appeared again, this time in a locked gateway of what was probably his home. Our heckles up again, we back away, keeping our eyes on him as we went around the corner, and eventually he was out of sight.

Oh my!

I can’t remember anything about the walk back to the van, or the rest of the day.

I wasn’t aware that it had effected me so strongly, until I moved to Portugal some years later, and would be approached my dogs on the edges of villages.

It got so bad that I ended up avoided walking anywhere alone, and would turn back if there was even a hint of a dog around.

And there’s a lot in Portugal. Mostly tied up, but very often loose.

Urgh!

I cringe when I think of the times I struggled when out walking, forgetting the potential of these beautiful, yet unpredictable free-roaming dogs.

It's not dogs are bad. It's not that humans are bad. But sometimes, they've received trauma and their heckles are up before we know it. We get triggered. They get triggered.

And it’s humbling.

Frustrating, but humbling.

You see, when growing up, I didn’t really allow myself to feel fear. I acted tough to get my father’s approval. It was that or receive his annoyance or teasing. I’m embarrassed to say, I teased my brother mercilessly, proving I was the “tough” one, and he wasn’t.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

He’s completed tough man competitions and biked for 100km around his Scottish home. He's fearless, whilst I still carry the shame of my “dog thing” as I call it, rendering me frozen at times and incapable of shaking the wariness around certain dogs.

I’ve done healing, and know this experience has reflected at last one past life when I was mauled and eaten by wolves, and since the healing, the charge is a whole lot less.

But I’m still wary. And I’m humbled.

Because now I see so loudly and clearly what it’s like to have such profound flashbacks and nervous-system responses as a result of past experiences.

It’s helped me have so much more compassion for my younger self, the parts who were teased at school and therefore avoided large groups of people, the one who flinched around my mum incase of chastisement, the one who worried about getting things wrong because of school punishments…

And, through it all, we soften, love the parts, allow the feelings to move through the body, and hold ourselves with compassion.

Because what else are we going to do?        

As much as I’ve wanted to rush my journey of self-healing, I know there are no short cuts. Small steps, moments of clarity, box breathing, Peace proccess and body scanning, and simply accepting this is a journey.

And a whole lotta love.           

If you’ve experienced severe trauma, and need help, please reach out to mental health teams, your friends and family, and most importantly, a therapist to help you move thorough the energies and find compassion for all the parts.

I’ll be offering Internal Family Systems therapy soon, adding to an array of holistic wellbeing practices I offer my clients, so please know there are so many methods to access and bring healing to these parts who suffered challenging experiences.

Don’t suffer alone! Help is always at hand - from our guardian angels, and so many people just waiting to help.

Prayer for help and finding the right person for assistance:

Thank you higher self, guides and angles, thank you so much for your help and assistance in bringing in to my life the perfect therapist or healer to assist my through my time of challenge. Show me what I need to know, and how I can heal, so can live in peace and wellbeing.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and so it is.

Prayer is huge. Right now, I have three co-coaches, and I prayed for help, and these are who appeared in my life. They assist me in different ways, and are helping me to unfurl from years of masking in one way or other. It feels so good to be heard, and seen, and the energy healing is exactly what I offer during my coaching session, and I’m feeling so utterly grateful!