This life, past life or someone else's?

I’ve always had dreams, just like everyone else.

What I’ve seen as a difference is, that other people seem to say yes, and go after their dreams.

My inner world?

As soon as a dream lands, its’ instantly dismissed.

And that sucks.

It’s like invisible prison walls guarding me with invisible chains holding my limbs.

And yes, of course, I’m aware that the form coaching I’m trained in, which uses powerful healing to delve into the deep subconscious, right into the quantum field to release blocks is for ME, as much as it’s for my clients.

My dreams often include projects that assist other people, but even those feel thwarted before “I” even allow the time to unfurl the dreams when they land.

And I use “I”, because I’m fully aware that this “I” is an aspect only, the cloud on the sky, not the sky mind, the higher self or I AM presence.

So what to do? And why am I writing today?

This morning, I had the inspiration to clean the steps that lead to our flats. The light slowly returning, I can see the winter’s rain has left it’s mark through green stains, leaves in corners and moss from the crows “cleaning” the gutters.

I start slowly, mindfully even, cleaning the front door and the surrounds. Then the tarnished patchy brown railings. So far, so good.

Then, it takes me to scrub the concrete floor under the pots of lavender and the bare honeysuckle that’s waiting for the spring to unfurl it’s buds.

I grab a new bucket of water and the hefty scrubbing brush from my cleaning cupboard under the sink, and nod, satisfied. This job has needed doing for ages!

Great!

Back downstairs I’m crouching down and the scrubbing begins.

Mindfulness out the window, I can feel the urge to get this done fast. Quicker and quicker I scrub, looking around to check no-one can see me. Given we’re at the intersection of three roads, the roads are weirdly quiet.

Good!

Back to the scrubbing and I feel a shaking in my legs. I can’t breathe.

“I’ve got to get this done!” And my mind is racing.

Yet, I know I’d decided to do this job over a few days, as scrubbing with a toothbrush (yes, I know) is exhausting but the only way to get into the crevices and clean the crinkles in the steps.

Uh uh. I know this feeling.

Urgent. Desperate. Scared.

“I don’t want to be seen! I’ve got to get this done!” The feeling is so strong yet my body is rigid. I’m finding it hard to breath and my inner world is showing me where these feelings are coming from…             

My past life as a Victorian servant!

Boom!

Oh my, oh my, oh my. It all makes sense. So much sense.

The years I’ve felt I’m not allowed to join in. Like I’m “less” than others. The struggle I had in my last housekeeping job, feeling like the lowest of the low, but ok with that, but struggling to speak to anyone else.

Downstairs servants didn’t speak to upstairs people. No-one. Not even tradespeople.

We were the lowest of the low.

No wonder I didn’t ever see a future. I never dared to dream I could change jobs. I just “put up with” being a scivvy. Potwash from 13, kitchen hand in Uni, when I left, low paid jobs, never daring to look beyond my lowly post.

Oh. My. God!

I used to think my inability to choose was left over from lives as a nun or monk, which I’ve seen and felt moving thorough me when visiting abbeys, monasteries or convents.

This was a different feeling.

Whilst the religious lives left me feeling soft, and away from the world in order to pray, they also gave me a “self-denial” feeling, yet they also filled me with great peace and the love of God.

This life left me feeling bereft. Without hope, choice or future, no hope of marriage, of great love, children even. Not a choice in the world from dawn to dusk, just work, work, work.

We've all seen Downton Abbey right? Their portrayal, of the "kindness" shown by the upstairs to the downstairs might seem heartwarming, but my feeling is, that was the exception to the rule, not the rule.

It strikes me how many people are living in the shadow of such an era. If our grandparents parents lived in service, what feelings remain in our cells, inherited through the generations? Or, if we lived as those servants, as I feel I did, at least once, what imprint of powerlessness does this leave in our souls?

For years I was proud of my great work ethic. Something my parents also shared. Yet, I could sense in them the subtle feeling of resentment, the feeling of “others have but we do not”.

As I continue to scrub the step, slower now, I see scenes moving through my mind, puzzle pieces clicking into place, understanding how no matter where I went, I felt unable to fit in - and not just because of my “whacky” spiritual beliefs: this was different.

I was so used to the feeling of being “other”, less than, different, and with no choice, I’d never questioned it.

I used to say “God’s guiding me, I don't need anything else."

And to some degree I believe that because every step on the path has taught me something and nothing’s ever lost, right?       

But there as still a feeling of “I can’t”.

Books I want to finish, blogs I want to write, soul-led projects, holidays, romantic relationships, friendships...

It's all felt so challenging. And yes, people might say "But you have an autism diagnosis!”, "You were sectioned in your 20s.".

But my inner truth knows none of those labels are soul-deep. They are experiences to be moved through, captured observations of our interface with the world. Labels given by those who aren’t like that: labels given so society can “deal” with the different.

They are not my soul self, and nor is the servant girl who never feels like she can grow up, change, choose or be free.

And as I write, I feel the shift, the integration, the calm, the relief of “Now I understand what has been moving thorough my veins.”

Now I can be free.

You see, I’ve always felt we were moved by the lives we’ve led, and have seen a great many of them, but until they’re near the surface, they still keep hold of us, weighing us down or holding us back.

And then it’s time for them to release. For the healing to come. For our sovereignty to return.

Last night I was praying for help to remove anything holding me back. And this was the answer to my prayers.

Thank you Angels, guides, higher self, God. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

5 Potential ways to tell you’re being held back by something:

• Things seem out of reach - you have an inspiration but keep avoiding taking action.

• Feeling resentful towards those already doing “what you want to do”.

• You find yourself distracting yourself with old habits, even though you want to do something else.

• You feel frustrated, down or depressed and don’t know why.

• It feels like an invisible wall is holding you back.

What we can be held back by:

• Childhood wounds - from subtle scenarios that left lasting impact (also known as small “t” trauma), to major trauma (big “T” trauma) that left major lasting impact.

• Wounds and imprints from later in life - think school “programming”, familial habits and norms, peer pressure etc.

• Unhealed Ancestral wounds - inherited as soon as your mother and fathers egg and sperm joined together!

• Past life experiences - even events that weren’t deemed traumatic can leave imprints on your soul that carry over until we realise we’re feeling limited

• Pre-life agreements - we may have chosen very specific goals for our lives, and therefore chosen to have limiting experience to nudge us toward our goals. It could seem like we’re being held back, but really, it’s so we turn towards our goals.   

Simple ways to move through our blocks, limits or challenges:

• Any form of introspection - journaling, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), talking to a counsellor or friend.

• Life coaching - a coach can help you “dig down” to see what is underneath your current challenge and release the blocks from your subconscious

• Past life regression - if the challenge is from another life, connecting to the Akashic field will help you release whatever is holding you back

• Use the steps in my “Coming to Peace” process: Pray for help, Explore your beliefs and emotions, Accept what arises, show Compassion for your findings, and move forward with Ease.

• Download the Coming to Peace workbook HERE.   

If you’ve been affected by this post, please seek help from your support network or reach out for a session and let’s unfurl whatever it is that holds you back.

Now is the time to claim our freedom and integrate our soul parts so we can choose freedom and expansion. And come home to our soul-self, our I AM Presence.

With so much love and so many blessings,

Caroline Mary x