Our Baby-Bean Adventure, One Year On

It’s May now and we're already a few days in! Time is rolling by and summer is nearly upon us!

This year finds me realising that May will forever be the month of remembering our baby-bean adventure....

At a time in people’s lives when they’re bursting with happiness and joy at the miracle of new life and the unfurling of their dreams, for us it was a time of happiness, but also fear of the unknown, inner conflict and more. 

You see, though I've craved to carry a child many times in my life, when it actually happened, I went into shock. 

Sure, the first moment I saw the two stripes on the test, I was elated, filled with joy. 

Yet in the next moment, I was in shock. 

Dread moving through me, I knew I had to tell me partner and I felt like I knew his response. Like me, he’s in his forties with no dreams of parenthood and we’d made no plans together yet. 

We were 4 months into our relationship when we got pregnant and though for some it could be a joyful time, for us it was a moment of fear!

We were rabbits in headlights and some of my worst fears came to light, and I went into a spiral of panic. 

You could say I’m a perfectionist, and this time in my life wasn’t how I would have planned parenthood.... with my online business set up and bringing in abundance, living in nature and able to home school our children, or living in a community where we co-schooled our kids.

I wouldn’t be living in a flat and struggling with the steep learning curve of creating a soul-led business!

And you could say, my faith wasn’t as strong as I once thought, because if it was, a baby-bean wouldn’t feel such a challenge, right?

What I’d like to share is how our past informs our current state of being, and our choices and how we can move through the fears and Come to Peace…  

You see, a few factors came to light during my 2 and a half months of carrying our baby bean and they were challenging but necessary to look at and I’m so grateful for the chance to face them and resolve the challenges during our journey… 

1 - Being detained in my 20s. 

I was sectioned twice in my 20s, and the experience was traumatic for me. It left me a fear of medical people, and the feeling that my holistic ways were not welcome by medical professionals. Being pregnant bought long buried PTSD right to the forefront of my mind. 

And it was terrifying. 

My fear (and story) was, if I had a kid and bought it up in a way that wasn't to people’s liking, they’d lock me up again and take my kid away. Terror ran through me, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing the little one whilst being locked up and drugged....  

Over the course of the pregnancy, I was able to work through the feelings, the stories and all the rest and come to peace, but it was a journey and a half to get to there!

2 - My pre-life choices  

I’ve been aware of our soul’s journey for as long as I can remember, and it’s a blessing and a curse to see everything that happens as part of our soul’s journey. 

But how does this factor into my pregnancy?

I was made aware some years ago that my pre-life choices were to have no partner and no children so I could focus on my soul work, and importantly, healing myself and my soul. 

You see, I was a "bad" soul for a few lifetimes, working in the dark, as a response to trauma and challenges in previous lives, and the weight of those lives has been apparent in my sometimes-serious outlook on life...   

I made pre-life choices to make good my karma in this life and be of service to others. 

Having a child would be a blessing, a huge blessing and bring so much love, and in order to enjoy that experience, I believed I'd have to sacrifice the service work I was planning on offering.

Being pregnant felt like such a conflict!

Do I allow this blessing and enjoy, or do I call in a termination so I can go back to the soul journey I planned?

Was this planned? Am I really allowed to enjoy this? Can I afford it? Can I trust it?

So many questions moved through my mind and heart, and I was terrified of messing up - an aftermath of messing up in other lives and feeling the weight of remorse and guilt for my “darker” lives. 

I sat with the quandary and asked for spiritual help from my support team...

3 - My parenthood karma 

I knew from my work with the wonderful Benjamin Shure that I’ve been carrying karma around parenthood and part of my pre-life choices was to leave that for another life to process.... 

Parenthood is no mean feat, it’s not something you do because everyone else is doing it, and it’s what is expected of us. It’s a huge undertaking and we plan it with all the souls involved, and I’ve sensed this all my life.

And now it was my time to face my feelings and see what was going to unfold!

My process to peace

During our pregnancy, our first thoughts were to create a termination knowing that the soul of the baby would be unharmed whatever our choice, and there was no judgement from the higher realms whatever our choices were to be. 

A part of my knew we were in a fear reaction, so I invited my partner to lean into the experience with me and face our fears as we went along. 

We journeyed to meet the soul and he gave me his name, Tomos, and showed me life with the pregnancy going to term (which was a bloody affair in hospital and my partner nowhere to be seen) and life without him, where life went on, and he was an adult and happy as Larry. And not in human form!

Over the next few weeks, I was able to relax and enjoy the experience and finally found the perfect choice I could surrender into:

I prayed for the highest outcome for all of us involved - my partner, my self and the baby bean.

It wasn’t my choice, or my partners, or the baby’s soul: it was a merging of our energies, a synergy for all of us, and the journey we were on together. 

With the prayer made, I felt peace coming, and it was a welcome relief. 

I released grief around my fears, released the need for motherhood, and released judgment of us both about the fears we had. We were calming down and the greatest good unravelled before us. 

A few days later, I released the baby bean on a day to the beach, and let much of the placenta out into woods near a beautiful beach on the Welsh coast. Later in the week, the birth sac released and our baby bean journey was over. We grieved and breathed a sigh of release. 

A month or so later, I received the message from a friend that the soul was really happy and so appreciated our journey together. 

The soul was an angel and was never going to join the Earth realm in a physical body. 

He had guided us to go to two hospitals in a short period of time - something I would normally avoid but was part of my healing journey and part of his mission! 

He would be assisting other baby souls transition across in hospitals and around their time of passing in his angelic form!

My conflict made sense as all along: I couldn’t feel a happy future, instead there was a blank - because there never was going to be a future as a family! 

I wasn't a failure for not being excited, I was instead tuning in to our combined path!

I learnt so much about letting things unfold, to trust, to tune in, to let go, to surrender, to trust us, to trust it all!

And so I’m grateful for the grief, the fears, the releasing, the feelings, the bonding, all of it! 

Our journeys with each other are never as simple as they seem, they can be for healing, for learning, for growth, for challenges, and sometimes they just aren’t forever, and that’s ok. 

It’s ok for a short journey, it’s ok to have a hug and move on, it’s ok to meet and release. And there’s no judgement whatsoever....

I’m so passionate that there’s always a way for peace, no matter what unfolds and what challenges seem afoot. With a prayer and patience, we can always find an outcome to bring healing and love to all involved. 

And my baby-bean journey was no exception. Tomos taught me something valuable - to pray for help, to journey and see solutions from the higher realms, to surrender, to connect to the highest good for all involved, and so much move...

For assistance in Coming To Peace, you can book a coaching call with me here, to unfurl a challenge in your life, or you can find Coming to Peace PDFs here, to work through in the resources section on my website… go ahead and reach out if you’d like any more information or support in your journey of healing!

With so much love and so many blessings to you,

Caroline Mary xxx