Today I’m sharing a blog I wrote in Portugal 3 years ago and didn’t post, yet it feels as relevant now as it was back then…
“It’s been a funky few months, and like many, feeling like I’m in a cosmic washing machine with things coming up from my past I thought were dead and buried. Then, oh, no… up it comes again, leaving you seeing multiple videos on your inner screen no matter what you’re trying to do.
And yes, I know the saying “Love what arises”, (thanks Matt Kahn): accept it all and surrender to what’s coming up.
But sometimes, you just can’t.
Not right away anyway.
What happened today was a reminder that things aren't always about me, not always about my trauma, and not always my fault… and I can see why sometimes I just couldn’t let things go…
To put it into context, I’m living my dream life, living in a yurt, and seeing a fun future ahead.
Yet something has been painfully obvious. Despite having some great skills and my dreams well underway, something was missing.
My heart was so closed it was like I was living a lie: somehow feeling half here and half not.
It’d not escaped my attention in the past that I was slightly “off world” (and if I had a quid every time someone told me to ground I’d be mega rich by now).
But lately it felt worse. Much worse. No methods were sorting it, so I booked some healing from a friend, (Benjamin Zachary Shure) and wowsa was it out of this world and felt so perfectly timed.
Except I forget about the emotional release a day after, where you start feel everything as it sinks in.
And today was that day.
I’m on my own, trying to let myself rest so things can integrate, and feelings to move through. I use tapping, so I can take these feelings in bite size chinks, because apparently I spent the first 35 years of my life NOT feeling, and now they're coming up with a vengeance.
As I’m lying there, feeling and resting, I’m feeling how much my heart is hurting and realising how many times I’ve felt abandoned or rejected by people in my life, and have struggled to let my heart open again as a result.
I realise quite how desperate I am for someone to love me.
Gulp.
I realise I’ve people pleased all over the place and not just because I’m scared (aka fawn response), but because I really wanted their love, like my heart is crying out for love; a wilted flower in its last throws of life.
As I ponder, I wander across the terrance to the outdoor kitchen and a cat comes wandering past my yurt, mewing it’s meow and making my heart ache with how cut it is.
So cute and yet so stand offish, like so many cats!
I spend a few times during the time coaxing it near with food, and pouring some water in a dish to offer, but to no avail.
After a few attempts to connect with the cat, I start to cry.
“Even the fucking cat won’t come near me”.
Oh, it’s a deep pain and a very young voice of not feeling lovable AT ALL.
Oh my, my aching heart.
I give up and go back into my yurt, and lie on my bed, resting / feeling / suffering / avoiding / EFTing… and repeating.
A while later, I get up for some food and THEN I REALISE!
I don’t have to get the cat to love me.
I’ve offered it love by my mewing, my offer of food, my leaving the yurt door ajar, my calling with love in my heart. And still it walks away.
So. I've done enough.
I go into the yurt, and close the door and let myself off the hook. I'VE LOVED THAT CAT. I have offered a place in my heart. I have offered food.
But it’s not rejecting me, it is scared of the love I have, scared of me, of humans, no doubt. Or it just doesn’t need me right now.
I’m not bad, I’m not shit, I’m not being rejected personally, it’s just a cat doing his thing. It might be traumatised and rejected me out of fear. Or maybe it’s just in his own lane, doing his own thing.
Oh, thank you universe for showing me how I’ve lived my life.
Offering love and care to sooooo many people, then wondering why I feel rejected, if they don’t somehow come back to me in a way that looks like love to me.
I just needed to love my own heart, to open it up again, to accept myself. I don’t need ONE person in the world to accept me, before I can accept myself.
I exist. Therefore, I AM LOVED, therefore I AM LOVE.
It might just be the single most important learning I, or anyone can learn.
We all know the sentiment: you can’t make anyone else make us happy, we’re responsible for our own happiness… but to see so clearly what happens when someone else is literally just getting on with their journey and doesn't need you, and how we can interpret that as rejection… oh boy.
We literally have no need to take that on ourselves. They are in their journey, “in their lane”, and we’re in ours.
We’re loved not matter who is showing us that love or not, or whether there’s anyone around or not.
We don’t have to earn it, we don’t have to seek it, we don’t have to find it.
It’s right here all along.”
(Portugal Oct 21)
My heart was so tender back then and since returning from Portugal it has been too. Finding this blog today, is so utterly timely for me as I saw a similar pattern come even clearer earlier in the year when I was pregnant.
I saw how many times I was waiting for other people to love me, not realising they maybe already did. I spent years wondering what was wrong with me, why did I need someone’s permission? Someone else’s love?
So why did I struggle so much?
Heartbreak.
I hear the answer loud and clear in my ears and feel it in my heart.
I’ve been carrying heartbreak from young and it’s like a huge weight: a grief we might not realise we carry until we join in with life and it looks grey no matter what we do. And that’s why we seek the love of others. That’s why we seek connection: we’re thawing out our hurting hearts.
I'm no longer judging this in self (or others for that matter). It’s not needy, it’s natural. We all need love, and we all deserve love, and sure we can find it in our own heart, give it to ourselves, source it from Source, yet sometimes we just want another to teach us that love we didn’t feel when we were young…
Here’s a whole load of love to you, if you ever felt that loneliness or without love in your life. And if you’re overflowing already, then I’m so happy for you <3
If you’d like some healing to support your journey and to top you up, I'm seeing the image of the Divine Energy Healing heart - a beautiful healing modality I trained in earlier this year and offered to a friend just this morning. Tender, loving and supportive, and perfect for broken hearts <3
Reach out via PM to book a session and feel the love of Source surround and support you...
So much love to you and yours,
Caroline Mary x
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