What a Difference a Day makes... and the Difference, is, Me!

This morning I woke up as normal. Without an alarm, and in good time to start the day and the projects I want to work on. . 

Yet something was different. 

My back was screaming at me. 

And instead of pushing through, I chose to relax and meditate into the pain and enjoy some deep rest. 

During the hour or so I was meditating into my body and enjoying the deep relaxation that comes with Vipassana-style meditation, I had an epic realisation....

Things I’ve been thinking that were connected to childhood weren't only from childhood. 

I’ve been embodying the last life I believe I had on Earth: 

A life as a servant!

It might not seem significant or anything too bad, I know. I believe I was treated fairly well, as well as one could be, when you worked dawn to dusk with a morning off a week to go to Church. 

But I wasn’t free.

You see, all my life, I’ve had a liberated mind (or at least more than most, in my estimation), but my body never felt free.

And I’m sad to say, I often put it down to the harsh and controlling parenting my mumma-bear sometimes dolled out. 

Oops. Sorry mumma.

And now I can see it all so clearly, and with it, my body and heart are softening, and the realisations are coming in thick and fast. 

You see, in nearly every friendship, every social or person-to-person situation, I’ve never felt free. I’ve felt like (now I know it) a slave or servant. 

I’ve sycophantically (and subconsciously) put everyone else “above” me, and wondered why they’re free and I’m not. 

I’ve dug into different childhood traumas (some big but usually small), and found lots of tiny moments that had hemmed me in energetically, but right underneath was my OWN imprint: that I'm not free.

As long as I had work, I was ok. As long as I had jobs to do for other people (and in later years, "for my spirit guides"), I was fine. I had something to concentrate on, and who needs holidays, freedom, a social life or personal wishes? Right? 

Yet, as time has gone on, ever more I’ve noticed the difference between myself and others and wondered what the f*** was wrong with me. I’m intelligent, have multiple skills I could use and share and make my life flourish as I assist others, but on a day-to-day basis, I just never felt free. 

The only option has ever felt to stay home, work 9-5 (though often longer as my project work takes up my heart, mind and energy) and barely think about anything else, any other options, and the idea of actually being free, and enjoying life has felt beyond me. 

And I’ve dressed it up as being committed to my life of service. 

How ironic!

Because of course, being of service, living a life of devotion to God, to the betterment of Man, to the wellbeing of the planet, can be a choice, something fun, something joyful, but for me it’s lived in my bones, and felt like my soul has barely been allowed to breath no matter what I do. 

Sure, I know if you look at my life, you may think "Yes but you’ve moved to Portugal multiple times", "You go dancing" and yaddi yada…

But. 

BUT. 

Even when I was in Portugal, I felt like a slave. I was so committed to the creation of the healing centre, I barely socialised, barely visited the beautiful sites of Portugal, unless it felt strictly useful for the cause, or because other people invited me, and I could switch it into being of service to them, helping them. 

Oh. My. Goodness!

Sometimes, you have a revelation and it feels good, but subtle. 

This feels epic, like I want to hold onto it, taste it and let it keep percolating so I can receive all the goodness, wisdom and healing from it….

Last weekend I was on a real downer as I watched a seminar on narcissism and how to deflate client’s inflated ego. 

And as I watched, I could recognise these subtle habits in myself, Gulp, and many of my nearest and dearest (let’s face it, it’s easier to be on top than on the bottom).

My heart sank as I watched someone describe some of my "worse" traits.

Long have I felt resentful to others who seemed so free when I felt stuck, if I wanted to do anything but sit at my computer and write, or plan or do something for others. 

Long have I not quite understood how my life unfurls, and puffed myself up when I felt like nothing and a piece of S*** on a shoe.

Long have I tried to put my way of being down to devotion but something niggling was telling me, this is slavery, not devotion and I’m sure no God wishes that for anyone. Even if you live in a convent, or monastery, you probably felt freer than I have in my life. 

Like I couldn't really breath or take up space unless it was for a cause beyond me or helping someone out somehow. 

Urgh!

Don’t get me wrong, I still want to be of service, who doesn’t? Life without purpose sucks as I knew all too well when I was younger and couldn’t see why I was here. 

Now I have projects to keep me going for years, and I’m so grateful to have received clarity around things I can offer the world, but finding them hadn’t liberated me. I just had something to turn my energy to. I didn’t feel truly free. 

Now, I understand. 

Thank God for prayer and meditation!. Thank God for Bonnie Seratorre and Carolina Oceana Ryan who held a free healing session last night that sparked off this unravelled and revealed this pearl of revelation. 

The pearl of wisdom that comes from a grain of sand....

I can breath now. And start to live life through a new lens. 

It feels strange. And like many healing shifts, will probably fade away later today and I’ll wonder what the fuss was all about all those years. 

What a difference a day makes! 

What were the signs that I had this imprint looking back in my life?

1. First job was as a pot wash and it didn’t occur to me to leave and find something more fun. Didn’t feel free at all

2. Felt resentful for people who could go “do” whatever they wanted, or choose their job etc, when I had felt stuck and never known why or if I really was stuck or it was normal to feel this way

3. Feeling guilty about doing anything other than work. Literally. Like, even taking a lunch break now I work for myself. 

4. Wanting to have a uniform of clothes rather than having to choose every day what to wear. Not feeling able to enjoy grooming my now very long hair, or other self care activities.

5. Tasting freedom then defaulting back to “work hard” with minimal “free time” activities.

6. Not being able to imagine freedom or success in any way, only imagining projects that help others (though I do feel this is also to do with being a light worker and having a specific mission).

7. Watching Downton Abbey again and again and again and again. I’m not kidding. It’s like it felt like home, though I was kidding myself it was as part of the family, but obviously it wasn’t! Hilarious!

8. Feeling like I’m never quite “in” life, but outside separate and never able to join the “normal” people. 

9. Wanting to have a job that “looked after me” from young, and seriously considered armed force musical corp, or joining a convent! (Probably connected to other religious lives as well).

10. Feeling more comfortable in menial jobs than anything else: I’ve been a potwash, “waited on” for large catering company, served in cafes, and been a house keeper. When I was travelling, it felt more normal to be a cleaner for our hosts than anything else. 

Urgh! I’m so glad it’s leaving my system now, as I keep tuning into my body!

What are the steps you can take if you feel like you have an imprint effecting you?

1. Notice any repeating patterns that feel “normal” but frustratingly limiting.

2. Notice any feelings you have to other people who seem “different” to you, i.e. not outwardly exhibiting similar patterns to you

3. Notice any time periods, jobs, countries or people you feel drawn to

4. Notice what is on the other side of this pattern (i.e. what does freedom from it look like?) Does it feel far away from you? Impossible? Scary?

5. Notice any feelings you have in your body relating to these patterns. 

Over time, with just your awareness, the pattens can lift away. It’s the first step and the main step in healing, is my belief. Also, coming into the body as the pattern dissolves is essential - doing the head work is helpful for patterns spotting but not for full embodied releasing. That can only happen through the body, and breath and awareness are your best friends here!.      

If you’d like help to unfurl something in your life, do reach out, as I'd love to offer you 1-2-1 Life Coaching! 

Go HERE for a free session and see how coaching can make a difference in your life.

And yes, we do teach what we need, and I use life coaching (and the deep energy healing that is involved with my particular flavour) nearly every day of my life!

I’m going to be focusing on Coming to Peace with Your Mother for a while, as working with a niche is far easier to channel energy into, but, if you have something else you’d like help with, you can still reach out! 

I will literally coach you on anything you’re feeling challenged with, and if you feel like signing up for more, then great, and if you don’t, there’s no hard sales pitch. I’ve received epic free sessions and I love to pass them on too!

Go HERE for a free session and see how coaching can make a difference in your life.