Today I realised the whole “self-love” era is so present right now, it could easily have us believing that it’s an act of self to have duvet days, watch our favourite Netflix or binge out on our favourite Christmas goodies, all in the name of self love. On the other hand, self love could also be doing our morning yoga, eating right, and taking all those other soul-inspired action steps.
Yet, I was reminded this morning that what I need more than those external “self love” actions, is really self-acceptance. And I can see quite how much of the former I’ve enjoyed, without very much of the later!
When we self-accept, it’s a choice. An inner choice to accept ourselves again and again, matter what. To accept that we exist therefore we're loved, lovable and perfect, and made from our Creator, to be a Creator. In addition, we have a right to exist in a beautiful and harmonious way of being, however that looks for each of us.
And, this self acceptance doesn’t just accept the good bits, it allows space for everything else to arise too.
Love and acceptance for all that arises: the healing balm we all need.
And boy, do I wish I knew that long ago! You see, I’ve had so many conflicting parts battling for room inside me for as long as I can remember: both an inferior ego eating me up inside when surrounded by “the beautiful people”, or those with families, or those with money, and the other superior-cover-up-ego to cover the aching, gnawing, clench deep inside telling me I’m useless and no-body wants to know me. The truth is, of course, that my superior one felt so unreal it alienated me from people even more than the clenching inferior feeling it was trying to hide.
Oh the irony!
It’s been really quite uncomfortable at times, watching these strange patterns of thoughts, feelings and words coming out of my mouth, somehow knowing that it wasn’t really me, yet not always being able to stop this or that snarly comment flying out of my mouth. I cringe even now remembering so many social occasions, where these strange emanations rose up from within before I could stop them coming out!
Luckily a few years ago, I came across A Course in Miracles, and have felt ever more able to look with love and compassion at these aspects. Held with love from the Holy Spirit, my higher self, kindly friends, partners and spirit guides who‘ve shown me so much compassion that little by little, the cringe-worthy superior ego started to dissolve revealing a frightened, vulnerable soft me underneath. It dawned on me how much this other “side” of me was so at odds with the gentleness underneath, it’s no wonder I’ve felt so confused and conflicted!
My brief encounter with the mental health system in my late 20s taught me to never let others see my inner world incase they’d throw the book at me and lock me up for good. All those years ago I walked away rather than take the risk to let anyone in, to help me untangle the existential inner battle that’d been going on.
Instead, I’ve pondered, asked questions of myself, read articles online and generally taken every day as an opportunity for learning and healing.
But what it really comes down to in the end (or really the beginning of really living) is the need to accept that we exist and therefore there's a place for us, and we can be our whole true self, and accept all the aspects we’d hitherto shamed into eternal damnation! Like everyone, there's a place and a purpose for us, there’s love for us, and everything else we need whilst on Earth.
Earlier in the year when I experienced the joyful time of being pregnant, I realised how much I was still looking to the outside for validation and permission to live. I hadn't accepted me, so how could anyone else? I didn’t trust me, so why would anyone else? Letting go of all those outer connections, I started coming home to myself in a way I’d not done before, strange and lonely though it felt to begin with.
I started truly accepting all that arose from within, and learnt to love it all, no matter what.
If only I’d read A Course In Miracles book 20 years ago! But then I wouldn’t have had the wonky human experience I’ve had, leading to more compassion for the human condition, right?
My invitation today is to check in today. Are struggling with anything in your life right now? If so, look within and ask yourself, am I accepting myself first??
5 Signs that we’re not accepting ourself first:
1. Seeking to control events and outcomes (to avoid facing feelings and fears without said outcome)
2. Finding worth through a sense of achievement only
3. Seeking to find love from the outside instead of radiating it from the inside out
4. Addictions and distractions taking up a lot of our time
5. Feeling at odds with ourself around other people (inner critic/negative self talk)
5 Reasons to accept yourself RIGHT NOW!
1. You exist. Therefore you have worth, and are loved right now!
2. There is a place for us all, as we were created, and therefore we are needed!
3. You are part of God, like a leaf on a tree, the tree is not complete without each leaf, and neither is God complete without us.
4. Because you will never find happiness in anything until you do
5. Because when you accept yourself first, you’ll be able to accept everyone you ever meet, regardless of what behaviours they exhibit.
When I talk about acceptance, it means offering dollops of compassion and grace for all the parts, the superior and inferior aspects that have sustained you through the journey until now, all the warts, mistakes, errors, shitty thoughts and actions, addictions, the lot.
Until we all see that they were only ever a result of not feeling safe, loved and accepted, then we’ll judge them, perhaps asking “why am I acting like this?”.
Instead a better question is, “why did I feel to crappy in the first place?”, and “What do I need right now?”. From here we can love these aspects and move back into peace and offer the same love to those around us.
As I update these words, written nearly 3 years ago and never published, I chuckle to myself: I’ve just seen my brother, and could clearly see how many parts of ourselves were looking for love in the other, and not quite able to offer it to each other, like so many times before. We’re still not quite topped up enough to overflow for the other one. Work in progress, big time!
Christmas, and other family gatherings, can be some of the most profoundly challenging times, so I wish you each a peaceful and self-acceptance filled winter season, no matter how you show up, no matter how you feel. And if you’re struggling, may you find the time, even 5 minutes, to take a moment to love and accept yourself, no matter what. So much love to you on your journey,
Caroline Mary
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