Recently, I got a little paranoid and started wondering if I was a narcissist.
There’s a lot of talk about the Empath/Narcissist relationships dynamic and, like a lot of sensitive people, I would definitely class myself as highly empathic, and understanding what that means energetically has helped me enormously in interacting with people - although I STILL forget that I can get knocked off balance by certain people and places (and of course, my inner triggers relating to these).
Cutting to the narcissist theory, I have heard people say we ALL have some traits of a narcissist, but what does that mean? I mean, really mean?
To me, it’s the yin to the yang of the ego: the tale of two cities!
In one corner you have the lightweight inferior, insecure and “weaker” ego, fearing exposure, self-expression and always deeming oneself to be less than others, (and I would hazard a guess that many empaths have been through this in one way or another) whereas the heavyweight superior ego gets by a whole lot easier, but is actually a lot tougher to spot and even less easy to face and heal in oneself.
Are you having a battle inside?
I want to applaud anyone who has faced their own narcissistic, superior ego. It is TOUGH!
And yes, of course that includes me, which is why I have the utmost compassion for anyone who walks with these traits, knowingly or not.
It’s one of the reasons I happily withdrew from socialising well before Covid made family-and-friend time a no-go. When Covid hit, I was like, “what’s the big deal?”…
Socialising when you have a battle inside going on is tough, as you’re not sure which part will take the lead: the tough exterior and superior slant to get through the situation, or the the inferior part that’s trying to run out the door, and get away from anyone who might actually see you.
It seems that both of these extremes of my ego, my personality, simply needed acceptance so they could receive the love they really wanted. Listening within, and giving space to what arises has allowed me to integrate the parts that felt so ashamed that they put up a big front, so everything can soften into one coherent being.
I no longer think I'm a narcissist, no longer feel the need to hide behind a superior front to cover up an inferior self. Whatever I can or can't do, know or don't know, it doesn't define me.
The eternal self doesn't have to compete for acceptance. It just is.
The eternal self brings us peace at any time!
How can you tell if you have either (or both) of these cities taking up space in your psyche?
Ask yourself these questions and see what unfolds for you:
1. Have you ever pitied someone because they can’t do something you can do?
2. Have you ever felt that your skills set you apart from others?
3. Have you ever tried to find a reason that you’re better than everyone in the room?
4. Have you ever felt out of touch with everyone around you, like you shouldn’t be there?
5. Have you ever felt like everyone in the room is better than you?
6. Have you ever felt ashamed of where you are in life?
7. Have you ever felt you’re not good enough to enjoy life?
8. Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough to follow your dreams, or to even have any?
You might notice the first 4 questions are geared towards a superior-type ego, and the last 4 are geared towards an inferior-type ego.
Of course, it’s not to say we can’t be more skilled at things that others, or in awe of those who are accomplished. That is NOT the same as feeling less worthy than another, or inherently better than another, because of our skills or place in life.
It may sound simple. It may sound obvious. But the more I’ve seen these two shades in myself, I can see how easily we can segregate ourselves from other socials group, or those with certain hobbies, or certain clothes etc. It can be subtle, unless we catch ourselves we can remain detached from parts of our world, parts of the whole, keeping ourselves separate!
Self-enquiry, awareness and compassion can assist us to explore, integrate and let go of these two extremes we may encounter within.
How can we work with the ego?
Working with the ego, rather than pretending it doesn’t exist, or shaming ourselves into oblivion means digging in and asking these parts of us questions, bringing feelings to light, and allowing ourselves to come back to wholeness.
Integration, rather than condemnation!
AND, I might add, embarking on self-enquiry with OODLES of compassion, is the only way forwards. No self-condemnation or judgment… and if that arises, you can love that part in too, enquiring as to if this habit is still serving you!
Ask yourselves these questions and allow yourself to receive the answers, listening with love and compassion towards what arises:
1. Why do I need to feel better than people in this moment?
Usually stemming from not feeing good enough and being jealous in someway, or genuinely disagreeing with someones outer appearance or behaviour in such a strong way that we judge them, and therefore make ourselves better
2. What makes me feeling inferior in this moment?
Often stemming from a feeling of self-lack, because we are not skilled at such and such, or haven't had such and such an experience etc
3. What am I really feeling underneath the inferior/superior pattern?
Anything suppressed from childhood really will take it’s hold on us until we allow the space f for ourself to be heard.
Of course, there are plenty more questions we can ask, but these are a good start, and awareness is the key to identifying and “loving in” any part of us we usually suppress or hide from ourselves or others.
Healing = Wholeness = Holiness
Bringing love to all our parts and coming back to centre means coming back to Holiness, connected, centred, loving and allowing ourselves that which we'd happily give another, and allowing others all we'd happily wish for ourselves... and mostly this means LOVE!
The Earth and her people have been suffering, and we all need a little more love and a little more attention and a little bit more encouragement, so if you’ve identified with either of these two cities, don’t stress it.
If I can start integrating my ego, then so can you. It takes a little commitment, a lot of love, and a lot of acceptance of what is.
You got this.
Journal it out, speak to a friend, get some help, but whatever you do, don’t think you’re a lost cause.
There’s hope for us all <3 <3 <3
Caroline Mary x
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