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The silent shame within

For years, I masked my inner world. For years.


Yet I knew something was wrong. I just didn’t know what, or why. Didn’t understand, and hated myself. 


Below are some feelings that happen when you have a flash back. Words of memory. Some experiences you may or may not have had. 


I know a great many people who will understand and resonate, and to those I love you and pray for all the healing and support you need to come back to wholeness. 


And for those who don’t experience this, think yourself lucky that you don’t know what PTSD/soul loss is, as it turns your life upside down, like a tornado for a few minutes, a few hours or a day until it’s integrated and you can catch it to love and allow it as it moves through. 


Feelings are something I ignored for years, firstly from fear, then by smoking copious amounts of weed, and then through sheer arrogance/ignorance/masking. Until the mask dropped and it all started to come up and I finally understood the earlier years of my life!




“Standing tall and proud with my chest puffed up, leaning on my skills to feel superior. 


And yet lurking not so far beneath the surface was the doom. 


Dark, heavy, sucking me in whenever I was alone, whenever I stopped working, whenever I stopped proving myself for a minute. 


Deep, dark, all consuming self hate and shame. 


Send the world away. When will it end? What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?


The questions would whirl round and round, the feelings creating gripping vice in my chest, no room to breath, frozen. 


Don’t feel. Can’t feel. Don't want to feel. 


Ignore it, find something to do, be useful and come back to life. 


I shouldn’t feel like this, I’m spiritual, I have a mission to complete. Don’t quite know what it is. Not quite. But nearly. 


Shove the feelings aside for another day. Eat another bar of chocolate and get my to do list done. 


Be an adult. Be a superhuman. Be like my heroes, saving the world. 


Yet there is the feeling, the clenching heart. 


Who am I kidding? I’m weird, bad, disgusting and bad. A bad soul. Full of remorse…


And then I remember.This is my child. This is old. This is a flash back. This is an old feeling. This is me purging. 


Phew. 


But it's still there. There’s another layer to go. 


Time along is all I need. But then I’ll feel and clench again.   


The darkness consumes, sucks, pulls me back, away from people, away from danger, away from shame, away from rejection. Inwards, inwards inwards, inwards…


Softly crying, rock, hugging knees. Alone. Perhaps an angel is near by. It can’t be a human, I don’t quite trust them. Alone is better. Everyone is adult now, no-one understands, they dont’ want to know and the ones who understand have enough on their plate. Their own inner child needs them now. 




Alone. Breath. Let the unicorn come close to shower golden energy, and the bright blue eyes of hope and love. 


Clenching, can I really have that love. Can Ireally say yes? Will it really be alright?


Then I’m back in the room. Adult, a list as long as my arm, and all of which is incredible, a dream come true, but so much. Too much. Too much for me when I turn into a child. A very small child. 


And then it passes and I’m back. Where did I go? Did I dream this life? How did I get here!


Phew. Breath. Catch up. Make some calls. Do some jobs, tune into the joy. See the sun, remember what year we’re in and come back to the now. 


Flash back. 


Not getting stuck in the past. 


Not resisting life. 


Not choosing to avoid. 


Soul loss. 


Soul hurt. 


Soul stuck and scared to come back. 


Listen, see, love, allow, breath, allow and love again. 


Unclench. Move. Smoothen out and clean my face. Tears away and start again. 


Here I am am again.”


In case you’re wondering, there was a specific event that happened when I was 4 which I still don’t remember, but I’ve been told by 4 different psychics the same thing and it explains everything about my adult challenges (ok, not everything, let’s face it we’re ascending and speaking languages from the stars and in unprecedented times). I hated the person involved, and could never quite understand the feelings around me as a child, but I get it now, and it is confounding how many people have had similar experiences. 


I feel so lucky to have had faith throughout my life, which has led me to keep going, keep standing up, stepping up, praying, and having a huge support from the spirit world even when I couldn’t easily let humans into my life. 

 

Parts of me are still coming back, integrating and sharing their feelings as and when they need space to do so! It can be confusing, frustrating, perplexing and embarrassing until I remember †his is not me making something up, it’s happening, I’m here and a person and allowed to have space to heal, and that this too shall pass.    


If you’ve been effected by anything I speak about, please do reach out, or find someone to speak to if you can, a friend or support group, journal or use EFT, but allow all the feelings as they come up and let them move through your system and you’ll feel better for it, I promise. 


I can also offer you 1-2-1 coaching, giving you a space to explore, feel, be and share in a way that feel right for you, supported by our guides in spirit if that feels right for you. Go here to find out more and book a session.


Wishing you so much love on your journey, 

Caroline.  


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